greedy hearts

I am trying to understand that God has a plan for me that is so much bigger than me! I have a strong desire to communicate with the world, and I want Christ to work through me to change the lives of those around me. In a very abstract way, I have total faith in His mysterious plan. I pray constantly for His will to be done in my life; still, at the end of the day, I am burdened with the troubles of this place.

I was an English major in college. You wouldn't know it from reading my blogs, but I like to think I'm a pretty good writer when I'm trying to be. I've had a few things published, and I've written for a few newspapers and magazines. I had all of this professional experience in addition to a college education. I thought I'd be set after I graduated, but things haven't really turned out that way. I'm working two full-time jobs just to pay my bills on time. I've applied for every reporting job within a 200-mile radius from home, and I haven't been made a single offer.

It's frustrating. I'm annoyed. I know I am qualified for these jobs. I know they wouldn't regret hiring me if they'd give me a shot. There's no reason they wouldn't at least offer me an interview. At least no reason that I can understand.

I reach a certain level of frustration every night before I have to hand it all over to God. I am down about it for an hour or so every day, generally while I'm working these jobs that I hate. I always feel convicted about this time though...about the time I start thinking about how much I "hate" the jobs that other people are dying to have. There are people out there who are looking for just one job, and I'm complaining because I have two.

I have a plan for my life that's bigger than what I'm doing now though. What's fascinating, though, is that God has a plan that's even bigger than my plan. There's a reason why I'm not getting these jobs I keep applying for. God has a plan that's bigger than what I want to do. This isn't the first time I haven't gotten something that I wanted. That's the story of my life (and yours too, I bet). It's all worked out for the best so far though. I don't always understand it, but I know that I LOVE the life God has created for me so far, and I trust that there is a reason He is setting up my future the way He is right now.

I wish He would just tell me what He was doing with my life, but the added element of surprise does make things a little more exciting. Besides, it's not MY life anyway. That's my problem. I keep trying to figure out what the world can offer me. I should be asking myself what I have to offer the world. (Oh boy...that was cheesy, and a little too close to JFK's quote, but it's TRUE!)

I'll be praying tonight that God will allow my greedy heart to fully trust that His plan really is bigger than mine. That's my prayer for the rest of you too. It's too easy to get caught up in the world and forget that we aren't doing this alone. We don't have to handle our problems. We just have to give them to God.

It's so exciting to think that I could be WORRY FREE! :)

Easter in an Egg Shell

Yesterday was Easter Sunday, and probably my most favorite Easter yet. When I was younger, I never really liked Easter. I don't know why. I just sort of thought it was boring, and the Easter bunny was cheap compared to Santa. The one thing I looked forward to every year was going to the passion play with my family the weekend before. The reason for celebrating Easter was the only thing I actually did enjoy celebrating.

This year was different than any other year though. I've been going to church more often than in years past, and I have really been longing for a closer relationship with Christ. This year, I heard two different Easter messages from two different pastors at different churches. In each one, when they spoke of Christ's death on the cross, I felt like He was speaking to my heart. For the first time in a long time, it didn't feel like just a story. I was beginning to comprehend His love for me, or at least as much as my wicked heart can understand that kind of pure love.

When I sang the worship songs at church, I meant what I was saying for the first time in a long time. When the pastor talked about how much God loves us, I believed it. When I went home and thought about how I am called to go beyond my comfort zone to serve Him, I was at peace with that. My heart was where it needed to be, and I received a message that I've needed for a long time.

Beyond that, I just had an amazing, relaxing day with my family. For those of you who don't know much about me, I work 7 days a week (literally). I wake up to an alarm clock every single day of the week for an 8 or 9 hour work day. I still had to work this Sunday, but I was able to work it out to where I got a night shift so that I could spend the afternoon with my family. We went to church and had lunch and went for a Sunday afternoon drive...it was just fun. It reminded me of the days that I miss so much now, the days when all I really had to do was sit at home with my family.

The night before, I was able to attend a Saturday church service with my brother and ride around checking out nice houses and indulge in a homestyle buffet. We went "home" (to my mom's house where I no longer live, but will always call home), and watched a scary movie and ate tons of goodies that my mom had stocked up on in preparation for our weekend there. That Saturday and Sunday combined were just the best two days I've had in a while. I've been really homesick since I've been working too much to spend much time with my family, and I was genuinely thrilled to go home for Easter.

Some people dread holidays. Their families drive them crazy, and they look forward to the days they get to spend away from them. I'm so lucky to have a family that I can lean on for support, and that is filled with people who are just as crazy as I am! They love me unconditionally, and that is just a portion of how much Christ loves us...wow!

Anyway, after work last night, I was reflecting on the weekend. My cup runneth over. Sometimes I forget how blessed I am. I am so thankful that I was reminded of Christ's love for us through excellent preaching, music, and time with my family. Oh, and a very impressive Easter basket! :) (You know you're lucky if the Easter bunny still leaves you candy at the age of 24! lol)

God bless you and may we never take for granted the many, many blessings that are bestowed upon us every day!

Eating My Words

I love nights like tonight. I made it to bed before midnight. The sun is still setting, and I'm laying here watching Dateline, and I'll probably begin to doze off as soon as I close the laptop. I couldn't do this every night because I'm a night owl, but I like doing it every now and then. It makes me feel like I'm taking charge of my sleep deprivation, and I also feel like I'm preparing to have an awesome day ahead. Here's to hoping anyway! :)

That's not really the point of this blog though. Since last night at midnight, I've been on a food fast. I haven't eaten anything. I've drank lots of water. Surprisingly, it hasn't been so bad. Maybe I can ignore what's on my heart, but I can't ignore God when a growling stomach and a severe hunger headache are reminding me that I have been called to witness to my lost friends and family members.

Uh...I'm not sure that made sense in writing. Anyway, I guess the reason I'm writing this is to ask you to join me in prayer. Even though I am hungry, please pray that God will use this experience to make me a more disciplined Christian and that He will give me the words and timing to speak to the lost people I'm fasting for this week. If you're reading this and have lost people in your own life, I pray that God will bless you with the same thing.

Anyway, I'm gonna stick to my word about getting to bed early. I'll talk more about the experience when it's over. Hopefully I'll get to sleep tonight before hunger sets in again!! :)

'Night guys!! :)